Everyone always asks about TBF and how we’re doing.  I thought maybe it was time to expand on this a little beyond my normal “We’re good.”  We are good.  He’s the best thing ever.  However, not long ago we had a HUGE fight.  From the get go, he told me he was going away to pharmacy school and I understood this meant without me.  People always tell me that it will work out between us even when he goes away because of how good our relationship is.  It’s very difficult to go from having such bad relationships to one that is very functional and happy without wanting it to continue forever…and that goes for the people around me that know how we are together too.  They don’t want to see it end either.  I almost messed up and ended it earlier than need be.  Here’s how.

A few weeks ago, Robert walked into the living room after having talked to Ethan in his bedroom and said, “I wish you were 10 years younger or I was 10 years older.”  I asked why and he said, “I really wish Ethan was mine.”

I said, “What makes you think he’s not.”

He said, “What do you mean?”

“Ethan’s dad was out of the picture when he was 4.  I’ve raised him by myself.  He’s never had any male role model.  Before you came along, he was around all girls and was stuck doing girl things.  Now, he talks to you more than he does me.  He asks you for help with homework.  He asks you questions about everything.   He’s yours because you’re the closest thing to a father he’s ever had.”

“Ya, but he doesn’t see me as a father.  Just as a friend to play games and stuff with.”

“Nope.  He wouldn’t ask a friend for help with his homework.  Like it or not, you’ve filled the father figure role.”

That statement hit him like a ton of bricks.  Before that, I don’t think he realized just how close he and Ethan had become.  Later that night while laying in bed, he said, “After I go to pharmacy school, I plan to still play games and stuff with Ethan.  I hope that’s okay.  I’d like to play with you too, but I don’t think you will want to.”

This sparked another round of, “What happens when you go away to school” which had me in tears again and him apologizing for not believing he could keep a relationship going while studying full time and for him being afraid that since I’ve been his first relationship, maybe he’s missing something and later it might come back to haunt him.  Before anyone starts thinking bad of him, I do need to say that I’ve been through some pretty bad things and with that comes baggage.  There are hang ups I have that I don’t think I’ll ever work past.

At some point, I just lost it.  I told him how evil he is for planning to leave me.  I told him in the beginning that he was too young.  I’m not the one that pursued the relationship.  I didn’t want to have my heart broken.  I told him what a jerk he is for doing this to me.  I told him that I understand that he deserves a relationship that’s makes him feel the same way I feel, but what about me?  Why do I always have to suffer?  Why don’t I deserve to be happy too?  I told him that I wanted him out because I didn’t want to prolong things and live a lie.  Then I stormed out of the room crying so hard I could barely breathe.

I sat in the living room and calmed down a bit.  Eventually coming back to my senses and realizing that while it might just be for another year, that’s a year more of happiness than I’d had before.   At that point, I heard him gathing his clothes out of the closet and went in to stop him.

He was in tears and explained that he didn’t want to hurt me or make me hate him.  He wants children.  He wants a wife that doesn’t freak out at the thought of pleasuring her man.  Basically, he wants to feel the way he makes me feel and I understand that.  I just wish I could make him feel that way.  I still don’t understand completely.  Why would he be here putting up with me if he didn’t love me…and at the same time I know that if he feels that something is missing, it is.  Even if it’s just that he hasn’t experienced enough to know what he has (which again is me wishing…).

I laughingly told him that while I hope he finds someone wonderful that appreciates him the way I do and makes him feel the way I feel with him, I also hope he finds all the selfish daddy’s girls that expect him to treat them like princesses while treating him like dirt under their feet.  I want him to find all he wants, but I also want him to realize nothing is better than what he gave up.  I want him to be happy, but I want him to feel the heartache I do at the thought of him walking out on me.

I don’t want to see him go, but I know it will happen.  I’m doing my best to take it one day at a time and not start hoping for more when people say, “Oh it’ll work out.  You’re too good together not to.”  I also do my best not to be mad at him just because he feels like he can walk away.  For days after our fight, he would still tear up just thinking about it.  He had to admit that the thought of leaving was much harder than he initially thought it would be.  My evil plan is to make it as hard as possible and to be sure and pile on as much regret as possible for him to take with him when he goes.

How is it he picked the one person on the planet that will watch him go simply because I think it’s the right thing to do.  I want more for him than what I give him….but at the same time I wonder what’s wrong with me that I don’t seem to think that I could be the best for someone.

As a side note, he’s been stretching out his classes to take longer and longer….as well as tinkering with the idea of becoming a teacher instead.  His family asks him constantly how he’s going to be able to leave us and what he’s going to do then.  Part of me still believes that he’s simply following this plan because it’s the way he envisioned things in the beginning and it’s not going to work out as he’d planned.  Then part of me knows that I’m a difficult person and he deserves to try to find someone more suitable.

blah….it’s a constant tug of war with myself but the one thing I do know is that I don’t want it to end any sooner than it has to because he has been the best thing to ever happen to me.  I know Ethan feels the same way too.  I just wish he felt the same way about me.

I know I’m a fruitcake and the last to know about some things, but with TBF being gone to Jamaica and me being here alone, it’s hit me like a ton of bricks how much I miss him and want him here with me.  I work with him and he’s lived here for over a year now.  That’s a lot of time together and I’m not sick of him yet.  Something has to be going right.  He sent me a text this morning saying, “I’m sitting on a wooden chair with fresh waffle, bacon, and eggs.  Live band, soothing music, beach view.  Beautiful, but I would rather be spending time with you.”  He also said he got made fun of because he was taking his laptop around the resort trying to get net access to talk with me last night…lol I would think it’s just schmooage (which everyone knows I love) but he’s paying the fees to text while there and it’s not like he’s got anything to gain by schmooing…lol It just amazes me that someone so wonderful seems to care about me as much as I care about him.

Ya, I know.  It’s a sappy post, but it’s true.  He’s wonderful and I’m wondering what I did to deseve him.

Sunday was father’s day and the birthday of a friend from work.  I went to eat breakfast with my step dad and called my real dad like a good girl. =)  After TBF got off work, he picked me up and we went to Jose’s bday party.  Pizza, drinking, and video games.  I ate pizza and watched them do the other two things.  I also played designated driver for TBF and Agorwal.  Things were mild and calm.  Nothing much to talk about unless you count Jose’s gf talking about wanting to do his mom if she were a lesbian.  At one point, one of the guys there said, “WTF?!?!” We all turned to see the gf standing on her head in the middle of the living room.  She did that several times throughout the night for no apparent reason.  Later, I was watching the guys playing halo and suddenly a thought popped into my head, “I’m at the geek party!”

We all got home safe and sound and Ag went to sleep on our sofa.  I left out before anyone was up the next morning and a couple hours later, the ex and Vanessa came to look at the car.  They let themselves in to find Ag startled on the sofa….lol  I can only imagine what he was thinking, but he knows Vanessa and she knew he was there because I’d already filled her in.  I still would have enjoyed seeing that…lol

I was reading a story on the net about types of friends you need and I realized something: the older I get, the more I enjoy my female friends. This might sound like a no brainer, but this was shocking to me. I’ve always been the girl that hung with guys. I’ve always been hesitant to make girlfriends because I don’t always understand them. I’m not huge on makeup and girly girl things. I have never been boy crazy. I can listen, but when they ask for my opinion, I’m afraid to give it because what if I say the wrong thing?!?! Will they get upset? Yell? Cry? Tell me they never liked me anyway? I don’t think I’m the only female that feels this way. Women can be difficult – especially younger ones.

This was even true with people on the net. When I started playing online games, there weren’t many female gamers. Sometimes I’d get accused of trying to steal boyfriends or not spending enough time with my family. When I met Cherlin and Spicie, they had similar backgrounds. I could see myself in both of them. I met Lyta, Shrike, and Crym – young women that to me seemed more in touch with the girls gone wild generation, more self confident, and very independent. I enjoyed them and could identify with them, but still wasn’t as comfortable with them as I’d like to have been. I was still afraid of saying something wrong and messing things up. One day I was talking with a friend in WoW and he said, “You really need to talk to my girlfriend. I’m trying to get her to play and I think you guys would hit it off.” He was right. That’s how I met Trin. I love her to death.

When Cherlin called me the other day, I thought about how much I enjoy girl talk with her and Trin. They’re like my long lost soul mates…lol I don’t talk with them as much as I’d like to, but I really do appreciate them and I think they helped transition to a new way of thinking – not all women are evil or scary and even if I do say something wrong, they won’t run off crying or try to gouge my eyes out….lol

I need to get better at balancing my time. I miss the good conversations and have less to blog about.

Listen up because I’m only going to say this once in order to get this out of my system.  The one terrible bad thing about TBF that completely upsets me is that I know he’s going away to pharmacy school….and he is going alone.  Ethan and I aren’t even being given the chance to go with him.

Before we ever got together, he point blank said, “I have to tell you up front that I’m going away to pharamcy school in about a year so keep that in mind.”  It was his way of not being dishonest and giving full disclosure at the beginning of the relationship.  Of course neither he nor I either one excepted things to go as they have.

We’d talked a little on and off about what happens when he goes away, even talked about going with him, but one night we were up late talking and I just point blank asked, “What happens then?”

He said, “You have a house here, your family here, and Ethan has his friends here.  I don’t expect you two to pick up and move.  Also, this is my first relationship and I don’t think I could ever stop wondering ‘what if’ if I was never with anyone else.”

Logically, I understand what he was saying.  I had some of those thoughts when I was with the ex.  Of course the ex was a big fat jerk and I often dreamed of prince charming riding in on his white horse and saving me.  I had never stopped to think that TBF might feel that way with me despite knowing that I am his first real relationship and his first *cough* at other things.  I guess I’m a little too vain and figured that being in a happy relationship with me would be enough.  It never occured to me that not everyone has had the bad relationship experiences I have and that a good relationship alone might not be enough.  He’s a good guy.  I bet any relationship he’s in will be a good one…and having a good relationship with someone not so messed up from bad relationships, well, he deserves that.

I got my heart broken that night and I’m finding it difficult to enjoy what I have now, knowing I’m going to get hurt and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’m setting myself up for heartbreak - and I’m setting Ethan up for it as well.  Ethan adores him and looks up to him.  Even if I want to take myself on this heartbreak ride, Ethan doesn’t deserve it. =/

I know some of you said early on that I should just enjoy it for what it is - because of our ages, it will never work.  I guess you’re right; however, this is one amazing man and I’d be insane if I didn’t try to hang in there as long as I can.  He’s the most considerate man I’ve ever met.  He’s thoughtful, funny, smart, a good gamer, good with my kids, and most importantly, he’s extremely good with me and all my hang ups.

The thought of me not being enough for him hurts - although I know logically that’s not what he’s saying.  The thought of seperating for a while and him being with other women - that disturbs me to the point that I know that him going away to pharmacy school means we’ll never be together again.  I don’t think I could feel the same way towards him knowing he had to try other people on for size.

I would have been willing to move.  To tell the truth, even the thought of having more children was appealing to me.  I know he wants kids and I know he’ll be a wonderful father.  I even feel a bit of jealousy for my kids thinking of how they missed out on having someone like him for a dad.

I know.  I sound like my daughter last summer.  “I love him!!!  I want to be with him always!!!!”  Maybe I do just have a silly school girl crush, but I’m just really not prepared to give up someone that gives me so much pleasure without causing me equal amounts of pain.  I’ve never had that before and judging by my relationships and the relationships of women around me, I don’t think it’s something everyone gets to experience.

I’ll fight through it and enjoy it while I can.  Then when it comes time for him to go, I’ll play the part of the good woman, smiling and waving and pretending everything is okay while trying not to cry.  I know he’s young and I know he deserves a lot better than me, but I’m selfish. =(

This Christmas was the first one with TBF and the first one without Rebecca. =/  I knew it was the beginning of the end when Vanessa moved.  I figured then that I had limited time with my children because they were growing up and moving away from mommy; however, I didn’t realize how quickly things would snowball.  I didn’t know Rebecca wasn’t coming down until we went to pick up the kids from the ex on Christmas Eve.  We got there and Rebecca’s boyfriend was with them.  TBF got out of the car to help Ethan load his Guitar Hero World Tour that his dad got him and Rebecca said, “Uh…I’m not coming.”  I was stunned.  It never crossed my mind that she wouldn’t come down.  I cried on and off a little on the way home, but finally excepted it and enjoyed the rest of the holiday.

Ethan got Guitar Hero World Tour from his dad and Vanessa got an ipod touch.  From me, Vanessa asked for all clothes and (other than World Tour) Ethan only wanted a year subscription to XBox live and a black controller.  TBF got him the controller…and Vanessa a purse (which she asked for).  I was ugly.  I wrapped everything Ethan got (including a shirt and a book) except the XBox live card which I put in the very bottom of his stocking.  He wasn’t going to say anything, but he sure wasn’t smiling while opening his presents.  He was looking for that Live card…lol

TBF and I decided not to get each other anything.  He’d brought me home heated/vibrating slippers and I had bought him a shirt before Christmas.  Of course I still got him stocking stuffers and the kids gave him stuff for his ipod touch.

The day after Christmas, I woke to Vanessa singing and Ethan playing drums.  TBF said, “This is going to get old fast.” and boy he was right.  Vanessa stuck to Slow Ride with the last Guitar Hero.  This time, it’s The Joker.  I’ve caught myself singing, “Some people call me the space cowboy…” and I cringe. =/

Ethan’s best friend that lives in Austin called.  “If my mom brings me down, can I stay with you guys for a while?”  so I’ve got an extra kid living with me for the moment…and the mouthy little punk kid from up the street has been here since Christmas too.  He’s over so much now that TBF and I have started getting on to him for his bad manners and making him talk politely.  I don’t think we can make up for his lack of parenting at this point though.  The best we can do is make sure he knows what’s okay to say at my house and what’s not.

The ex said the kids wanted to come spend the week with me for Christmas.  I texted TBF telling him and saying I was afraid they may not want to follow my rules or might fight or…or…or…  (You know.  My typicaly worrying.)

Later on that day I got this text out of the blue, “Lol I am laughing at myself…for some reason having all of your kids over for the holidays sounds like fun.  I think I would really enjoy them over.  I hate to admit it but I miss Vanessa and I would like to get to hang out with Rebecca again… I know.  I must be stupid or strange or something.”

Schmooage doesn’t get much better than that - mainly because I know he meant it.  He is stupid or strange or something because he does enjoy doing family things.

This past weekend, my sister and I went Christmas shopping and bought stuff to make candies.  When we got back to her place, her daughter came running down stairs…and my daughter was following her.  Vanessa had called my niece and asked her to pick her up from a friends house so that she could surprise me.  She helped us make candy and spent the rest of the weekend with us.

Sunday, TBF called me on his way home from work, “Let’s go to the movies before taking Vanessa home.”  So we did.  While watching the previews before the movie started, he leaned over and whispered, “It’s nice having her back, isn’t it?”

The movie was good.  Not super great or anything - afterall, it did star Ted Logan…er I mean Keanu Reeves.  He’s not the best actor.  There were other issues I had with the movie, but overall, it was entertaining and thought provoking in that green “It’s not your planet” kind of way. 

It really was a good night though.  I had my family back even if it was just for a couple of nights.  The next day at work, I got a text message from Vanessa that said, “I love you”.  It was spelled correctly (not I luv u) and I felt she meant it.  It reaffirmed what I already believed:  we’ll work things out.  It’ll just take some time.

TBF comes back to work after a break and says, “Something I never thought would happen just did.”  We were all like, “Huh?”  “I was just asked to be a stripper - and they weren’t kidding.” 

Not only did the woman ask him that, she also came back to the pharmacy to ask in front of all of us and to continue on “If you’re too shy, you don’t have to strip down to nothing.  You can leave your boxers on; although it’d be nice if you didn’t.  The girl getting married works at a liquor store and so do several of her friends so we’ll have plenty of alcohol.  What kind do you want?  We’ll get you all liquored up and then it’s show time!  There’ll be like 20 women there all with money.  I’ll have $30 myself.”

He told me later, “Get me liquored up?!?!  Doesn’t she realize I’m a guy and we invented that ploy of getting them drunk and then taking advantage of them?!?”

I was dying laughing and threw him under the bus, “You should do that.  You can get me a good Christmas present!  If you do that once a week, we could get a new computer, a blue ray player, a big screen tv….”  He was NOT happy with my response…lol  Little did he know that my thought was also, “He would never do that.  If he does though, he’s so gone…and those women.  I’d have to kill them all!”

I’m such a bad girlfriend.  My response is always to tell him to go for it.  A girly at school brought him chocolate chip cookies and a cashier at work kept sending people over with her number to give him.  Both times I told him to go for it.  It’s my gut reaction to make sure he knows he has the freedom to leave if something better comes along.  Of course I’m also pouting not wanting him to take them up on their offers and realizing that he’s likely to if I keep pushing him to, but I can’t help it.  =/  I don’t make him cookies and I’m not some cute 20 something.  I’m old and fat with three drama filled children.  Why he continues to stay with me is beyond me…but he does and I’m glad he does.  Other women can just keep wanting him.  I’ll take it as a compliment that they think I have good taste in men…and try not to harrass him too much about it.

I logged into WoW tonight and got met with a lot of, “TBF busy tonight?”…and they were right.   To further prove what a big dork I’ve become…

You know you’re enamored when…

You look at TBF who’s got his back turned to you, dressed only in his undies, clipping his toe nails and you smile and think, “I should so totally be grossed out by this, but OH MY WORD he looks good.”  But wait!  There’s more!  Later, you realize he actually threw the clippings in the trash rather than the floor…and that same goofy grin reappears…