Mr. GA. If you haven’t heard of this guy, don’t be surprised. I think I played DAoC with him about two weeks while playing with some RL friends. I wasn’t having fun there so I jumped servers to play with some EQ friends. For whatever reason though, Mr. GA and I started chatting via email. It was a ton of fun as we were both doing our best to out do the other one. He read every newspaper known to man I think and would send me the craziest news stories every morning. In return, I’d send him my witty commentary and he’d reply in kind. I enjoyed it immensely as I felt I was being pushed to keep up with the news as well as be more creative. I could go on and on about him because I simply thought he was wonderful…until one day he just up and disappeared. He had his cell phone cut off and stopped answering his home phone, emails, etc. I was crushed. About six months later, I got an email explaining how he’d realized he’d gotten too attached and he freaked out. I could understand that; however, it happened again…and again…and again…and…. The last time I heard from him was a few months back when I got a blank email from him. If you know how picky I am when it comes to men, you’ll realize that for me to have fallen for someone is amazing and for me to have fallen for a net person, that’s even wilder. This guy actually broke my heart. Something my ex couldn’t even do.

It was while listening to me whine about Mr. GA that Chaosbug decided I needed to play the numbers game. We decided to make a match.com profile. Crym, CB, and I spent lots of work time looking for men. What I found was that 1) CB isn’t discriminate at all and 2) I really don’t like men as I proved with my ability to rip apart any man CB or Crym suggested. When I got a message on there from a guy that lives up the road and has about 20 children (give or take 10-15), I took that as proof that match.com was not for me.

The latest fiasco for me came in WoW believe it or not. A fellow had mentioned lots of times that we should meet. One day a friend of both of ours said, “You know, I know someone that would be perfect for you.” He went on and on about how this guy wanted a family, had a good job, played WoW, etc. I was waiting for the punch line when instead, he said, the name of the guy that had been asking to meet up. I messaged the guy and said, “Did you pay him to say that?!?“ He said, “No. I think it’s funny. I know we’d be perfect for each other, he knows we’d be perfect for each other, and somewhere deep down, you know it too.“ At that point, I asked myself what it would hurt to meet him. Maybe the friend was right. That was enough to freak me out and I started naming all the bad qualities I have and explaining that just because you play a game with someone doesn’t mean you know them. I even sent him to look at some horrible pics of me. He told me he’d call me on Wed to talk about it and to have all the reasons ready to talk myself out of meeting him then.

I began asking friends, “What do you think? Would I be insane to actually meet this guy and see what happens?” They all said the same thing, “You’re insane for over thinking everything. Just meet him already!” I decided I had nothing to lose. Worst case scenario, I lose a friend. Not something I want to do, but it wouldn’t kill me. Tuesday I see him in WoW and ask if I should still expect a call the next day. He said, “We need to talk.” You know, no good ever comes from that phrase. I said, “I just spent the last 24 hours convincing myself to meet you.” He said, “I just spent the last 24 hours doing the opposite.” I was crushed. I didn’t even necessarily want to meet this guy, but to not have that option if I wanted it after having him schmoo, it didn’t do good things for my ego. Were my pictures that bad? Am I completely undesirable? Whatever the case, one thing was for sure, I wouldn’t be opening that door for net men again.

And so there you have it. For all those people that wonder why I don’t date, there’s your answer. Who in their right mind would try to date after all that? The strange thing is that despite all my bad experiences with men, I still want to believe that good men exist and I still hold out hope that maybe someday I’ll luck into a happily ever after of my own.

Chris hadn’t been 21 for long. Drinking was still a novelty to him. He began drinking as soon as we got there and didn’t stop until he ran out of money that night. I learned his life story, about his HS sweetheart that had his baby and then cheated on him, about his mom who he knew would love me, about how the field guys all thought that I was the librarian type (*boggle*), and about his toe fetish.

Ohhhh the toe fetish! Every girl that walked by, he was judging their feet. One girl walked by and he said, “I’d suck her toes!” Then he turned to me and said, “I’d suck your toes right now if you’d take your shoes off.” and he starts tugging at my tennis shoes! Mind you, it’s August in Texas and this is an outdoor concert. It was HOT and my feet were sweaty! I was saving the poor guy, but I had to fight with him to do it. “You don’t want to suck my toes.” “Oh yes I do! What’s the matter? You have ugly feet?” Periodically through the day, he’d try again and I’d refuse him again. Later when I told Corwin the story, he told me, “Don’t ever let a guy suck your toes unless you want to have seks with him.“ We all know what a player Corwin used to be so it must be true…which makes me wonder what’s so good about the toe sucking?!?

As if the toe sucking weren’t bad enough, plenty of other things happened too. For instance, he stole a sign from the concession stand that said, “Line Forms Here” with an arrow pointing down. I was asking, “What are you going to do with that?” while walking back to our seats and about that time, a girly stopped him and offered to flash him for the sign. Her boyfriend was standing right there. Cute cute girly and I told him he should take her up on it, but he didn’t. He found some string or something and made the sign into a necklace that hung onto his chest with the arrow pointing down. It’s about that time that he decided to tell me in Rainman fashion, “I’m not wearing any underwear.” I turned about three shades of red, but I wasn’t nearly as embarrassed as when he made a comment about some other guy probably being small. I said, “You realize that generally the people that say things like that are the ones that have an inferiority complex about their own size, right?” He then busted out with, “I’m not small and I’ll show you.” I stopped him from unzipping at that point and started to pray that I could just made it through the rest of the night without an incident.

The guy sitting in front of us had a cell phone in his back pocket. It was almost falling out. Chris said, “I bet I can steal that guy’s cell phone.” and begins to act as if he’s going to grab it out of the guy’s pocket. I spatted his hand like you would a two year old and told him, “I’m sure you could take it, but why would you want to?” “Just to prove I can.” I said, “That’s not necessary because I already know you can.” as I spatted his hand again. After about the fourth time, he decided he was tired of that and wanted to go hang with the lawn crowd. I gave him his ticket stub (I’d have pinned it onto his shirt like you do school kids if I’d have had a pin) and told him, “Meet me back here at our seats when the concert is over.” “I will!” and off he went. About an hour later, I noticed on one of the screens that his sign was flying over the crowd and a fight broke out. I was just hoping it wasn’t him.

Finally, Nickelback was playing that song from Spiderman. He shows up and wants to leave. At that point I’m thinking it’s probably a good idea. He takes my hand and starts heading out, but I stop him for a moment because I wanted to hear the rest of the song. At that point, he begins standing behind me and folds his arms around me. I was thinking, “No harm. He’s not trying anything. Just let him so we can get this over with.” The band started an encore after that song, but we left rather than listening to it. We had to cross the road to get to the parking lot. He’s walking along, announces he has to use the restroom, and simply whips it out right there in the road. I turned my back like a good girl and he laughed at me.

The car ride home was looooong. He chatted nonstop about work or anything else that crossed his mind. “You don’t have to take me home. It’s a long drive there and then back to your place. Why don’t you just take me to your place?” “That’s okay. I don’t mind taking you home.” “My brother can pick me up tomorrow. I can also help you with chores if you need your yard mowed or something. I don’t mind helping with chores if you’d just cook something. I never get home cooked meals any more. Your kids would love me. All kids do.” “That’s okay. My dad helps me out. I don’t mind taking you home.” At one point, he busted out with, “I haven’t kissed a girl since I got my tongue ring. Would you tell me what kind of kisser I am?” “I’m afraid I can’t help there. I don’t have any experience with that.”

Finally, we get to his apartment. He says we should go for breakfast and he’ll pay. I tell him that’s okay. I really need to get home. He tells me he’d invite me in, but the guys were all staying over. We sat there in the truck with a long uncomfortable silence until he finally thanked me for taking him, kissed me on the cheek, and hopped out.

The next day I called to make sure he was alright and he barely said two words to me. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t remember much and if he could, he had to be embarrassed. He never once came back to hang in my office and never talked to me except to say hi in passing.

I wasn’t on my next job very long when one of the crew guys started hanging out in my office when the supervisors were in doing their paper work. Cute cute kiddo, very shy, and he had a tongue stud. I don’t know what it is with me and shy guys. Maybe it’s because it sets me more at ease if I know they’re not at ease. Whatever the case, one day he is in my office and tells me how he always wanted to be a Chippendales dancer. He told me I could ask his mom. The next thing I know, he’s dirty dancing for me in my office!! Kelly (the receptionist) and one of the crew supervisors walked by and he turned bright red before stopping dancing. Kelly just had fits. Every time he came into the office, she’d go on and on about how cute he was. When the guys left, she said, “I can’t believe he was dancing for you! I’d be all over him if I were you!” Of course she would, but not me. I was still thinking that he was just being friendly and clowning around.

One day, he was in my office and he kept looking at something. He wasn’t sitting like normal. He just kept changing from foot to foot as if he were nervous about something, but I had no idea what he was looking at that would make him nervous. Finally, he came around behind my desk, picked up my lotion, and asked if he could use it. I said yes of course. He got too much out and asked if I wanted some while offering his hands out to me. Now the polite thing to do would have been to put my hands out and let him rub lotion on them; however, I’m dum. I didn’t catch what he was trying to do and said, “No thanks. I just put some on a bit ago.” There was visible disappointment in his face and it was that moment that I realized what he was trying to do and I tried for the save. “If you have too much though, sure.” and put my hands out. He was already offended though. “Oh no. You don’t want my lotion.”

Time rolled around for the next Edgefest. This time, I preordered tickets. I couldn’t find anyone around that wanted to go with me. I even called the old office, but the little tongue stud no longer worked there. I’d long since lost his number. Finally I asked one of the married guys that I knew listened to the same radio station I did. He agreed to go if I asked his wife. I did and she said okay, but at the last moment, she decided to come in town anyway so he had to cancel. He said, “You can take Chris though. He’s been dying to go.” So I did. I agreed to pick him up at work and off to the concert we went.

It took about 10 seconds for that news to reach his ears…and he finally got up the nerve to ask me out. We agreed to meet at the office and go to dinner and a movie on Saturday. When I got there, he was working on some equipment that had broken down. He was dirty from head to tow and apologized to me repeatedly for having to break the date. I talked him into grabbing some a quick lunch. It took a bit to convince him that it was okay if he was in work clothes and dirty. To me, it seemed like the polite thing to do. Besides, I’d wasted a trip up there. I might as well get some lunch.

The next try went better…at least in the way of planning. We met, went to dinner and a movie, and then played putt putt golf. During the course of the night, I learned that he’d been in prison twice - once for destruction of government property when he beat up two marines with a baseball bat and once for spousal abuse when he hit his wife. He was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He’d been married three times, but one of those didn’t last a month. His first wife and mother of his daughter walked out on him and his daughter. He gave custody of his daughter to his parents and he never saw her. For me, this was all I needed to know. I intended to get through the date, go to work the next Monday, and politely explain that I wasn’t really ready to date yet. It sounded good, but I had to tough my way through a good night kiss. It was horrible. Of course I don’t pretend to be a good kisser. I’ve only ever kissed the ex, but I was just grossed out. More incentive to ditch the guy.

Monday morning rolls around. I got to work and there were flowers on my desk. My phone was already ringing. I picked it up and he said, “Wow! That was some kiss.” He goes on and on about what a wonderful time he had and I finally worked in a, “We need to talk…” He said, “Okay, but can you come down to my office?” I did…and immediately wished I hadn’t. He shut the door behind me, put the blinds down so the shop guys couldn’t see in, motioned for me to sit down in a chair, and began to read me a poem he’d written for me.

In theory, guys, this is a very sweet and romantic thing to do. Girls love this kind of romance; however, in this case, I was so freaked out. The poem was all about how he thought he’d never find love and how it was love at first sight with me. It talked about how he felt, what he wanted to do, and ended with will you give me the chance. There was a long silence then as I tried to figure out how to escape with my dignity while also leaving him his. Finally, I managed to mutter, “I need time to think about this.” He handed me the poem, and I ran for the safety of my own office.

That Friday, I finally managed to tell him over the phone that I just wasn’t ready to date and I thought it was too much too soon. The next day, I had defensive driving for a ticket. I turned my cell phone off. After DD, I went to the movies. When I got home, my phone rang, I answered it and it was him. “Did you check your messages?” “No. I just got home. I turned the phone off and forgot to turn it back on.” He said, “Check them.” and hung up. I checked my messages and it was him saying, “Don’t call me. We’re over. Don’t call me. Don’t try to talk to me. Don’t call me. I don’t want to see you. Don‘t call me.” I hung up the phone and went to bed. Thirty minutes passed by and the phone rang, “Were you going to call me?” “Umm, no. You told me not to.” “WHAT?!?! I’ve been drinking tonight (I didn’t need him to tell me that. His words were all slurred.) and it’s because of you. I‘ve been in love with you since I first saw you walk into that office.” …and he proceeded to tell me in detail what I was wearing, how my hair was fixed, where I was standing, what he thought about my figure, the clothes I was wearing, how he wanted to marry me, etc. I finally got a word in and told him I had to go. He called back and told me to go look on the bridge at the putt putt golf course because he’d carved something into the wood. I told him if he wanted me to see it, take a pic and bring it to the office because I wasn’t going to drive two hours to look at a bridge. He argued with me about it for a bit and I told him I had to go again. He called back several times, but I turned the ringer off on the phone. I was soooo glad I hadn’t given him directions to my house. I was actually scared of what he might do.

The next couple of weeks at work were odd. He accused me of liking every guy in the building before he ended up quitting the job. I was so embarrassed. Everyone knew I was the reason he quit and people were divided. My boss even asked me to consider going out with him again because we didn’t have anyone that could replace him. I thought about it for a few seconds before telling my boss that he should date him so that he could make sure he was kept happy.

…and so ends the first and only clear cut date I’ve had since my divorce.