What a joke.  They were having early voting in the court room so we had to have our meeting in the breakroom.  The judge was sitting at a kitchen table with a cup of coffee.  Behind him was a fridge, sink, stove, etc.  We were told to take a seat on a sofa while Vanessa sat on a kitchen chair pulled beside the sofa.  The judge told her several times how pretty she is.  She got three months probation - meaning if she gets caught with alcohol or gets a ticket in that time, she’s in trouble, has to take an alcohol awareness class that last two nights, and paid a $105 fine.  She left the place laughing and smiling.  I was hoping it’d be a come to Jesus moment.  Instead, it confirmed her thoughts that she didn’t really do anything wrong.  She just got caught.

On the way home, I called my mom to tell her how it went.  She said something that finally set me off and I told her what I thought about the whole situation and her part in it.  I haven’t talked to her since.  Of course she wasn’t talking to me before that.  I kept calling her thinking if I kept trying, things would get back to normal, but they didn’t.  She answered only what she had to with me and was quick to snap at me for anything I said.  This time though, her snapping was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Later, she called and left a message on my recorder that she didn’t have attitude with me over Vanessa.  Just over the fact that I wouldn’t let Vanessa live with her.  I know eventually I’m going to have to call and straighten things out.  If I wait for her to call and make things right, I’ll die of old age first.  I just haven’t done it yet because I’m afraid of making matters worse if she wants to revisit why I don’t want Vanessa living with her.

I know I’m being a bit childish by not calling my mom, but I’m still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that Vanessa would rather live with her dad than live by my rules.  I don’t want to fight with my mom to explain to her that by not supporting me and my decision, she’s conveying the message to Vanessa that she did nothing wrong; I’m the one that is in the wrong.  Of course she disagrees because she’s told Vanessa she was wrong, but her actions override anything she says.

I just don’t understand why I’m the only adult that has tried to punish Vanessa for what she did.  When did the rest of the adults in the world decide it’s okay to break the law in regards to drinking because it’s a stupid law?  Am I the last parent on earth that demands honesty out of her child rather than lies and half truths?  Why am I the bad guy when I’m only trying to do what’s right? Why am I blamed with kicking my daughter out when she first tried to basically run away to live with a friend and then chose to live with her dad rather than be grounded?  Of course none of those questions bother me nearly as much as this one:  How could I have thought my daughter and I were so close if she’s willing to do all that she’s done and never once think about what it does to me?

Last Saturday, Ethan and I were home alone and I thought we should go grab some lunch.  I wanted to check up on Vanessa because I’d had this feeling she’d been keeping something from me.  I thought she’d quit her job.  We drove by and she wasn’t there.  I texted her and she said she was on her way back up there after taking the break between the lunch and dinner crowds.  We passed her on the road while I was getting gas so I figured I was just paranoid.  Ethan laughed at me explaining that she likes her money too much to quit that job.

When we got home, I stopped at the mail box and inside found a nice little letter from the Justice Court saying I had to be in court Oct 22 at 10AM because Vanessa was issued a citation for Minor In Possession of Alcoholic Beverage.  Turns out she had been keeping something from me.  A lot of somethings.

I was furious.  All I could come up with to do to even effect her at all was switch rooms between Ethan and her.  Ethan’s room was tiny and hers we’d just made bigger by knocking out the wall between her room and Rebecca’s room.  (This was actually TBF’s idea and I thought it was a good one.)  Ethan and I worked to get everything switched out before she got home from work.  We couldn’t move the beds because Ethan’s futon bunk would have to be disassembled and Vanessa’s queen wouldn’t fit in the tiny room, nor would her desk.  Everything else though got switched.

Vanessa texted me saying she was going to spend the night with Whitney.  I said no, she had to come home.  When she got home, I said, “Your room is down the hall and to the left.” 

She was like, “I know where my room is!” 

I said, “Nope.  It’s moved since you were here last.” 

She was furious.  “Why’d you do that?!?!” 

I said, “Is there something you’d like to tell me?” 

“No!”

I wasn’t letting her off the hook that easy though, “Come sit down.  It seems we have a lot to talk about.”

She then explained how it wasn’t her alcohol in the car.  Ryder needed a ride home from a party because he was drunk and he put beer in her trunk.  She got pulled over by the cops for her liscense plate light being out, saw Ryder was drunk, and asked if there was alcohol in her car.  Because she’s such an honest little girl, she told them in the trunk and he gave her a ticket for MIP.

I told her that the story didn’t really add up since I knew her light hadn’t been out and why would Ryder have been at a party, gotten drunk, and still have alcohol to bring home.  She said she was taking him to someone else’s house.  I didn’t buy it and asked several times if there was anything else she wanted to tell me.  I told her that the officer would be in court and tell his version of what was going on.  She said it was the same as hers.  Again, I didn’t buy it, but I didn’t bother to argue.  It was 1AM, I was upset and tired.  Tears were streaming down my face as I told her, “You’ve broken every rule I ever set up for you Vanessa.” and I left for bed.

The next day, the story going around school was that they’d left the party to have sex (which apparently is not uncommon for them - friends with benefits) and the cop literally caught them with their pants down.  Ryder did have beer, but Vanessa had a liquor bottle - both in the floorboard of the car.  I called the courthouse on Monday to talk to them.

I didn’t bother telling Vanessa that I’d heard this part of the story.  No reason to I figured until we were in court at which point I’d ask the officer myself in front of everyone.  That cause more embarrassment than me confronting her one on one.  I didn’t get the chance though because Tuesday, she wanted to go to a Volleyball game to support her cousin.  I told her that was fine as long as she went with my sister and her husband and sat with them the entire game.  She was mad again.  “I don’t want to go with them!!!”

A few minutes later, she texted me, “How long am I grounded for?”

I replied, “From stuff like that?  Until you go to college.  As long as I’m responsible for you, you’re not going to do stuff that’s illegal.”

She texted back, “I’m not being grounded like that again.  I’m 17 and I can legally move out. Whitney’s mom said I can move in with them.  She has an extra room.”

I texted back, “No.  It’s not an option.”

She said, “It’s my senior year.  I want to do stuff with my friends before they all move off and I never see them again.  This is the last chance I’ll have.”

I texted back, “Should have thought about that before you did something illegal.” and then added, “It is your senior year.  I want to spend as much time as I can with you before you move off and I never see you again.”

She texted back, “That’s stupid.  You’re my mom.  You’ll always be there.”

I texted back, “…and so will your true friends.”

About 30 minutes later, I got a text, “Mom, I love you, but I’m out like the lights.  I’ll leave the keys.”

I texted her, Whitney, and Whitney’s mom, “If you’re not home by the time I get there, I’m calling the police.”

She told me that she was 17 and could legally live wherever she wanted.  I told her not without my consent of that of the court and she had neither.  She’d better get her butt back home.

My boss told me to leave work (this was about 8PM and I wasn’t getting off work until 9).  My mom beat me to the house and Vanessa wasn’t there.  She called her and told her to get home.  Some boy brought her home.  My mom thinks it was Ryder.  Doesn’t matter who it was, it was not Whitney so she’d lied to me again.

I got home and asked Vanessa, “Why would you think that was a good idea?”  She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.  I wanted to beat her.

She said, “I’ll move in with dad.  I’m not staying with you!”

I said, “Fine.” and called her dad.  I explained to him everything that was going on including how she needed to be taken and tested for STD’s as well as put on birth control as well as how I found cigarettes in her bag. 

My mom and sister tried to tell me that she could live with them.  Not a good idea.  My mom is still trying to make excuses for her.  It’s not her fault.  It’s her friends.  It really wasn’t her alcohol or cigarettes.  She’s an angel despite me catching her in lies repeatedly.  My sister has her own troubles right now.  An alcoholic husband she’s trying to keep from drinking and money problems.  Why would I want to send a troubled teen that doesn’t get along with her to mess up her 7 year old daughter’s life?  No way.  Vanessa has two parents that are capable of raising her.  She can stay with one or the other of us.

I had taken Vanessa’s phone away, but she took it back when I went to work and called my mom to complain more about me and to tell her she was going to school since the ex wasn’t going to pick her up.  She did go to school.  Someone came and picked her up and eventually, they went to school….but according to her school records, not when my mom says.  She also told everyone that I took her car away and kicked her out of the house for taking a drunk friend home.

The ex called my mom and asked if Vanessa cound stay with her until Monday.  I threw a huge fit.  My mom and I had been arguing and my daughter wanted to stay with her so she could continue to run with her friends.  That was NOT happening.  I picked Vanessa up from my mom’s house and took her to her dad because she refused to take her car explaining that it was a piece of junk and he’d get her another one.

The car ride was awful.  She was giving me the cold shoulder and not talking.  I’d ask a question and she’d give a yes or no answer.  Finally, when we were exiting to where we were meeting the ex, I asked her to call me Monday after she went to school and tell me how it went.  She just laughed at me.  The tears were streaming down my face by this time.  I was trying not to cry.  I knew she just wanted to hurt me, but I couldn’t help it.  She was hurting me.  She asked if she could have her phone and I told her no - not knowing she had already taken the sim card out of it.

We got out of the car, moved her bags of clothes and stuff into her dad’s truck, and she got in without even saying goodbye.  They drove off and I sat there, crying too hard to drive.  I called my older sister and could barely talk.  She tole me that she’d have done the exact same thing if she were in my shoes.  She talked for a bit and after I’d calmed down a little, she told me she needed to go.  I called my little sister while I was driving on the road.  Still crying hard and she told me she didn’t know what to do, but it would all work out.  Finally, I called my mom.  By this time, I was almost home again.  I was crying hard again because the realization of not having Vanessa was really sinking in.  I told her that Vanessa was gone.  She couldn’t understand me the first time so I had to tell her again.  My mom snapped, “Well, it’s what you wanted!”  Suddenly, the hurt became anger and I started screaming at my mom explaining it was NOT what I wanted, but I wasn’t going to be blackmailed into giving her no punishment simply to keep her home.  She broke the rules.  And it wasn’t the first time.  She’s smoked pot, had sex with at least two boys I knew of, come home drunk, was smoking in my house and repeatedly denying it when I’d confront her, etc etc.  Her lies just caught up to her and there was no way I was letting her off the hook.  My mom said, “Well, you didn’t even offer her the chance to stay.”  I said, “Back up.  That’s Vanessa talking.  I told her she could stay, but she would be grounded for as long as I saw fit.  She told me she thought that was stupid.  All kids drink.  She didn’t do anything wrong.”  I got off the phone fit to be tied.

When I got into the house with Ethan, I just started bawling again.  I appologized to him and tried to reassure him that I wasn’t just going to get mad and send him to live with his dad too.  He said, “Mom, I was here.  I know you didn’t throw Vanessa out.  She’s the one that said she was going to live with dad.  She’s stupid.  She did all that because she wanted to spend more time with her friends and now she’s not even going to see them.”

When TBF got off work, he called.  I was crying so hard that I don’t think he understood most of what I said.  When he got home, he just held me while I cried…and cried…and cried…  Finally, I started to settle down….and it hit me that I didn’t put laundry in the drier and Ethan hadn’t eaten.  He said he’d take care of it and asked asked if I was hungry.  He tucked me into bed, turned out the light, and went to talk to Ethan.  I didn’t want to stay by myself and got up to watch tv in the living room.  TBF fixed me some soup and made some dinner for him and Ethan.  E was asleep when it finished up.  TBF watched some tv with me until I was at least not crying at every turn then we went to bed.

Yesterday, I shut off Vanessa’s phone on the way to work.  I realized she’d taken the sim card and wasn’t happy about it.  I went on to work and got a phone call from Child Protective Services.  They’d gotten a report that I’d kicked Vanessa out of the house and sent her to live with the father that had hit her in the past.  I laughed and explained what happened.  She said she was going to verify the story with the ex and close the case.  The ex called me after hearing from the CPS worker.  He was mad.  “Who told them I hit her?”  I said, “Your daughter.  Who else?” 

I got reports that she was talking about me on myspace so I went to her myspace and read her messages.  Not only was she telling everyone that I just went crazy and even my own family couldn’t talk me out of throwing her out, but she was also talking about what all she was going to get her dad to do for her and how after he got custody, she was moving back in with my mom.  After reading her myspace, I deleted it.  I know it’s petty and she’s already started another one, but at least it got rid of those lies.  She’ll have to start new ones.

I called the ex, “You’re taking her to get her hair done and her nose pierced tomorrow?”

  He said, “Ya.  She said she needed a hair cut and I don’t see anything wrong with her getting her nose pierced.” 

I said, “Other than she just got her hair cut and colored and just wants a new hair style and the fact that I haven’t let her have her nose pierced for the last 17 years.  She gets a MIP, runs away from home, and you reward her with it?  What happened to her being grounded at your house too?” 

“Well, she didn’t get in trouble at my house.  I told her we were starting from scratch.” 

“Oh, so you don’t think getting caught screwing a boy while breaking the law is a good enough reason to be grounded?  How about that phone call from CPS?  That happened while she was at your house.” 

“Well, I told her we’d have to talk about that this weekend.” and he began yelling at me because he didn’t like me telling him how to parent. 

I said, “Look, I’ve not tried to tell you how to parent Rebecca in all the years you’ve had her and I’m not trying to tell you how to parent Vanessa.  I’m trying to warn you that she’s gotten off scott free and is now using you.  You’re stupid if you let her.  She’s very maniputlative.  If you don’t want to believe me, fine.  Believe what she says, but I tried to warn you.  She’s your problem now.” and I hung up.

I am going to court Wednesday and I’m going to explain how she tried to move in with a friend, moved out of the house with me because she didn’t want to be grounded, and how she called CPS.  (I’m pretty positive that it was her that called CPS since the woman told me she called me to find out before transferring it to my county.  All of her friends live in my county so who else would have called that county?)  I hope they suspend her liscense until she’s 21 and give her the maximum amount of community service that her dad has to drive her to.   I know that’s a bit vindictive of me, but it burns me up that she can do everything she’s done and not get in trouble for it.

I keep wondering what I did wrong despite having several people tell me that it wasn’t anything I did.  She just has to learn for herself.  I’ve said time and time again that I have great kids.  I really thought so.  I don’t know what happened.  I’m shocked - not that she’d go out drinking.  That’s a normal teen thing, but as a parent, it’s my job to punish her for breaking the law.  What shocks me is that she’s lied at every turn and done things to purposely hurt me.  How can she honestly believe she shouldn’t be in trouble?  And how can she spread lies about me without even thinking twice about it?  Doesn’t she have any kind of conscience?  How could I raise a child that would do that?!?!  =/

My mom found a 2000 Ford Taurus with 83K miles that looked brand new inside and just a little bumper problem on the outside for $2K.  She bought it for me to drive until I have the money to get my truck fixed since her car is now in the shop and undriveable.  They had a copy of the key made and delivered it to me at work.  At lunch, I was going to go to Wendy’s to check out how it drove, only the car wouldn’t start.  This “theft” light started flashing!!!  Not knowing what was going on, I freaked.  Called my mom who said, “I should have known better than to buy a Ford!!”  Later though, we found out that the keys have a chip in them so you cannot make a normal copy.  Have to get a copy from the Ford Dealer.

The car drove great once I got the original key; however, this morning on the way to work, all the gauges went dead, the radio showed to be on and I could change channels, but no sound was coming out, and the a/c was blowing, but it was no longer cold air.  When I got to work, I turned the car off and tried to start it again.  Nope.  Wouldn’t start.  I called my mom again.  No idea what is wrong with the car, but I think we’re going to give it back to the guy we bought it from…at least that’s what I hope we do.  It’s not my call though.  They think it may still be related to the PATS (anti theft system).  I don’t.  Once again, I’m left without a car.

I passed my test!  That’s right, I now have certified buns so some of you can stop pestering….lol  CPhT Naye now. =)