So the other night I dreamed we were packing up to move into the White House.  I have no idea who - if anyone - was elected president; however, I remember my mom packing Christmas lights.  I said, “Mom, they have those already!  They have people hired to plan out the holidays and decorate.” 

She said, “They never do Christmas right there.  It’s always so formal and stuffy.  Which reminds me, I’ll be cooking Thanksgiving dinner too.”

I remember thinking, “Oh no!  I can hear the White Trash Red Neck White House jokes already.”

That’s the only part of the dream that I remember.  I guess there’s just been too much hype on the whole inauguration thing…lol

I really really liked this movie.  It was like watching a kids school play because a lot of the acting was bad, but the movie still managed to be good despite that.  I’m a little shocked that all the racial comments made in the movie haven’t been complained about (or maybe they have and I’ve just not noticed).

The theater TBF and I saw it at is in a progressively worsening area.  We’d gone to dinner before that so we were catching the late show.  There were soooo many kids with baggy jeans - their underwear showing, and their dates with their undies showing despite their jeans being skin tight.  Almost every show was sold out.  When we got into the theater, we expected it to be packed, but there were lots of seats left - and only older white people in the audience.

There’s a scene in the movie (they show it in the previews so I don’t think I’m spoiling anything) where Clint Eastwood’s character stops at a corner where three guys are harrassing this girl and says, “What are you spooks doing?”  It was so shocking to me, but funny at the same time because of the look on the kids faces in the movie - surprised that someone would have the nerve to say something like that. 

When we left the movie, the police cars were patroling and starting to say over the loud speaker, “10 minutes to curfew.  Get your ID’s ready!”  It was just as packed outside the theater as it had been when we’d come in.  I told TBF, “Why don’t you try out that spook line from the movie?”  He didn’t think it was as funny as I did.  “Do you want me dead?!?” 

Of course I don’t, but the movie did make me a little curious as to how people would react to such extreme nonPCness.  There were so many racial slurs in the movie that TBF didn’t even know them all - and some he didn’t get (remember, he’s a young pup).  To me, the guy sounded like my real dad - who survived the Vietnam war (is it a war now or still just a conflict?) and came back with all the same slurs as the Walt character that faught in the Korean war.

It reminded me of that one night that my sister and I spent in the Veteran’s hospital with my dad.  He was throwing out so many ugly comments in every direction and I was appologizing profusely behind him.  People seemed to ignore it - writing it off to an old man.  Everyone but me that is.  I’d never seen anyone act like that before…but that’s how the Walt character in this movie is.

If you can believe it, it really was a good movie….despite all that.

When I was waiting for Ethan to get ready for school this morning, I checked my email and had an iTunes Gift. with this note attached:

“Hope your week gets better! *hugs*

I like this music video, thought you might enjoy it and if Vanessa doesn’t already have it on her new iPod Touch she might enjoy loading it on there.

Never know what the future will bring, I try to remind myself! :)”

The song - Bad Day by Daniel Powter.  I love that song. =)

Thanks so much, Mycroft.  You really brightened my day!!

Work is driving me insane.  I’m always tired and dread going because there is too much work, not enough people to do it.  Not a new problem, but just really getting to me lately…and not just me.  I think we’re all snippy because we all feel as if we’re doing more than our share - which is true because we don’t have enough people!!!

I think it’s time for me to get my resume in order and start looking for the next big thing.

Listen up because I’m only going to say this once in order to get this out of my system.  The one terrible bad thing about TBF that completely upsets me is that I know he’s going away to pharmacy school….and he is going alone.  Ethan and I aren’t even being given the chance to go with him.

Before we ever got together, he point blank said, “I have to tell you up front that I’m going away to pharamcy school in about a year so keep that in mind.”  It was his way of not being dishonest and giving full disclosure at the beginning of the relationship.  Of course neither he nor I either one excepted things to go as they have.

We’d talked a little on and off about what happens when he goes away, even talked about going with him, but one night we were up late talking and I just point blank asked, “What happens then?”

He said, “You have a house here, your family here, and Ethan has his friends here.  I don’t expect you two to pick up and move.  Also, this is my first relationship and I don’t think I could ever stop wondering ‘what if’ if I was never with anyone else.”

Logically, I understand what he was saying.  I had some of those thoughts when I was with the ex.  Of course the ex was a big fat jerk and I often dreamed of prince charming riding in on his white horse and saving me.  I had never stopped to think that TBF might feel that way with me despite knowing that I am his first real relationship and his first *cough* at other things.  I guess I’m a little too vain and figured that being in a happy relationship with me would be enough.  It never occured to me that not everyone has had the bad relationship experiences I have and that a good relationship alone might not be enough.  He’s a good guy.  I bet any relationship he’s in will be a good one…and having a good relationship with someone not so messed up from bad relationships, well, he deserves that.

I got my heart broken that night and I’m finding it difficult to enjoy what I have now, knowing I’m going to get hurt and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’m setting myself up for heartbreak - and I’m setting Ethan up for it as well.  Ethan adores him and looks up to him.  Even if I want to take myself on this heartbreak ride, Ethan doesn’t deserve it. =/

I know some of you said early on that I should just enjoy it for what it is - because of our ages, it will never work.  I guess you’re right; however, this is one amazing man and I’d be insane if I didn’t try to hang in there as long as I can.  He’s the most considerate man I’ve ever met.  He’s thoughtful, funny, smart, a good gamer, good with my kids, and most importantly, he’s extremely good with me and all my hang ups.

The thought of me not being enough for him hurts - although I know logically that’s not what he’s saying.  The thought of seperating for a while and him being with other women - that disturbs me to the point that I know that him going away to pharmacy school means we’ll never be together again.  I don’t think I could feel the same way towards him knowing he had to try other people on for size.

I would have been willing to move.  To tell the truth, even the thought of having more children was appealing to me.  I know he wants kids and I know he’ll be a wonderful father.  I even feel a bit of jealousy for my kids thinking of how they missed out on having someone like him for a dad.

I know.  I sound like my daughter last summer.  “I love him!!!  I want to be with him always!!!!”  Maybe I do just have a silly school girl crush, but I’m just really not prepared to give up someone that gives me so much pleasure without causing me equal amounts of pain.  I’ve never had that before and judging by my relationships and the relationships of women around me, I don’t think it’s something everyone gets to experience.

I’ll fight through it and enjoy it while I can.  Then when it comes time for him to go, I’ll play the part of the good woman, smiling and waving and pretending everything is okay while trying not to cry.  I know he’s young and I know he deserves a lot better than me, but I’m selfish. =(

Sunday was a rare day when TBF and I both were off work.  TBF wanted to go shopping for clothes.  I’m not making this up.  Sometimes I think he’s more of a girl than I am - but then others, I know that’s not the case (like when he makes fun of me for fixing my hair or when he gets angry about losing a video game).  Anyway, we went to the mall where he bought many clothes.  I was prepared to frown at bad picks and override any loud colors, but I didn’t have to.  He picked out nice stuff all by himself. =)  I didn’t even have to fib about liking what he picked because I really did.  Apparently I did mention one too many times that perhaps it was time to replace the old boxers, but I’m happy I did as they got replaced with nice new Docker ones that are much prettier to look at and again, he picked them out all by himself. =)  He wore one of the new button up shirts to work today where the men teased him about having a date after work and the women told him how nice he looked all dressed up.

After shopping, we went to Texas Roadhouse where TBF and Ethan tried to eat their weight in beef.  Since they probably couldn’t walk any further after eating all that, we went to the movies.  I didn’t want to see Yes Man, but they did.  It was okay.  One of the better Jim Carrey movies.  TBF said it’s his second Carrey favorite behind Liar Liar.  I’d probably agree with that.

Since I had wanted to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button but was over ruled,  I went on Wednesday, my day off.  I love love loved it and cried just like I knew I would.  Half way through the movie, I was wishing I’d waited to see it with TBF.  Of course he wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I did, but it would have been nice to watch it with him anyway.  Halfway through the movie though, I got a text and couldn’t keep from reading it.  “Love you” is all it said.  It was enough to make me smile and again wish I’d drug him along to see it.

I know all you guys are going, “What a rediculous movie.” and to some degree I agree.  For instance, the thought of him getting physically smaller and reverting to an infant is just absurd.  He was shorter as an old looking child and should have stayed big as a babyfied old man.  Despite that though, I still liked the movie. =)

Ethan’s friend Trey came up from Austin to stay with us for a week.  You may remember him from his visit during the summer when he came to see his dad but stayed all but two nights of his visit and managed to set the yard on fire with the help of ethan and some firworks.  He’s also the kiddo that got hit by a car right after moving to Austin with his mom.  He now walks with a limp and has a bum knee because of it, but he is alive.  That in itself is a miracle.

I found out Tuesday that I was going to have to go into work to help stock the over the counter area and I was not happy about being told I no longer got my holiday off.  Repeatedly I was told, “You get premium pay though!” as if it was some kind of special thing.  I got premium pay because it’s the law.  I’d rather have had the day off to spend with my family. =(  We had plans to spend New Year’s Eve at my mom’s.   My two sister’s and their families, my aunt and uncle, and my cousin, her husband, and the guy that’s living with them all came….and so did we despite my knowing I had to be at work at 6AM.   I was a little less cheerful and a lot more aware of how sleepy I was.  TBF bought a ton of fireworks, we played cards and dominoes, and there was a ton of food there.  When midnight rolled around, TBF kissed me and I asked him to take me home. 

I got a total of 3 hours sleep before getting up for work.  In my zombie state, I drove into work thinking about both how swollen and puffy my eyes felt and how it wasn’t good that I couldn’t remember parts of the drive. 

The day of work wasn’t too bad…for having to work on your day off.  It went pretty quickly and I had thought we got a lot done.  Later, I’d find out a manager was displeased with our work telling the OTC manager, “For the number of people you had, you didn’t get nearly enough done.”  You’d think they’d be happy that I came in.  I will not make that mistake again.  Next time, I’ll tell them exactly what they can do with their last minute schedule changes and premium pay.

As I was leaving WM, I called TBF.  “What are you up to?” 

“Watching the firemen put out the last of the fire at your house.”

That’s right.  There was a fire.  It didn’t catch my house on fire.  It was the fire side of my pond.  The boys had asked TBF if they could pop some of the remaining fireworks and he said yes.  They took off and the next thing you know, Ethan was running back in saying, “There’s a fire and I don’t know how to get it out!”  Ethan apparently twitched a little while saying that. 

TBF thought he was kidding.  He looked out the window and didn’t see any fire.  “You’re lying!”  Well, he wasn’t.  I think he was trying to keep from crying.  He says he was just breathing heavy from running all the way back to the house.  The disbelive only took about 10 or 15 seconds before Ethan repeated himself and TBF did believe him.  They were both surprised by how fast TBF ran to the pond.

When they to the pond, Trey took off the three shirts he was wearing and they soaked them in the pond.  They then began to put the fire out with the wet shirts while TBF called the fire department.  They managed to get the fire out from around the pond, but a little of it had spread up the pond dam and into the woods.  TBF was afraid of the wind and woods combination and was not about to try to keep an eye on that all day.  The fire department came out and watered it all down.  They kept an eye on it for a little bit just to be sure there were no cinders that started up again.

I got home to pull into the drive just as the trucks were leaving.  I chatted a little with the firemen (long enough to hear one make a comment about TBF’s little brother…referring to Ethan) and then went to face the boys.  By this time, TBF had told me it was mostly his fault.  He told them they could pop them and didn’t go out to keep an eye on things.  He also told me that Ethan didn’t even want to.  Trey talked him into it.  Ethan later told me that he was afraid of starting a fire again and that he never wanted to do fireworks again…and he was serious.  He was upset the rest of the day…and every time I tried to tease him about the fire. 

I didn’t get onto the boys.  I saw no point.  They were trying to be careful, but the grass around the pond was too dry and too tall.  I should have mowed.  They were both scared and ashamed at having to call the fire department.  Trey’s mom was on her way to get him and he was covered in black.  I told him to go shower and throw his clothes into the wash so we could try to clean them before his mom got there.  Ethan I just hugged.  Then I went to bed.

When TBF came in to check on me, I told him, “I thought this year was going to be better than last.  It’s sure not starting out good.”

He started laughing, ”Nobody was hurt and there was plenty of excitement.  I think it did start out well!”

I just shook my head and said, “Ya.  If you like excitement, stick with me.  It always finds me.”