Leaving work yesterday, I was grabbing a few items we needed around the house and decided to listen to my voice mail.  My ex-step mom had left a message that my father had had a heart attack the day before and was in the hospital.  She had left the information on my brother-in-law’s voice mail and said to call her back if I needed anything.  I called my sister to see what had happened and what was going to happen.  They’d not listened to their messages yet and didn’t know what I was talking about.  =/  I called her back on my way home and she gave me the info.  They’d done angioplasty but it wasn’t working as well as they liked so Monday they’re doing bipass surgery.  We’ll be going to spend the day waiting for the surgery and talking awkwardly to my dad.  =/

I’m not really sure how I feel about the whole thing.  Last night, I got mad at TBF and began crying for no reason…except it really wasn’t no reason.  So much has happened lately that I just needed to vent a little to get back t normal.  As far as my dad goes though, I feel badly that I don’t feel more passionately about the situation.  We’ve had a rocky relationship that I came to terms with long ago.  I found my peace, but he’s mentioned to my sister many times that he feels the need to “get things right” with me.  I avoid it because I don’t want to revisit everything.  I’m fine the way things are.  He has regrets, but I don’t see why I should have to listen to them and tell him it’s okay.  It wasn’t okay.  Not years ago and not now, but I’m okay.  I survived and I hold no grudges.  That does not mean I want to tell him it’s okay.

I can’t explain my feelings very well.  I know it sounds as if I’m angry or have some unaddressed issues, but I don’t.  I’m good.  I just don’t think I should be made to forgive him in order to make him feel better.  He decided long ago how things would be and I learned to live with it.  He should too.

Of course the flip side to that is that I feel like I’m not a very good daughter/person if I don’t let my father/an old man lighten his heart by trying to make amends. I gave up years ago trying to be what my parents thought would make me a good daughter for what I thought would make me a good person.  I struggle with my feelings on this one.  Am I being selfish because I don’t want to rehash all the old feelings or should my finding peace with my father be enough for both of us??

Since Vanessa went to live with the ex, he began calling the child support office to have her custody status changed so he would no longer pay on her.  They told him that she would drop off at age 18 if I didn’t file for the extension and that would be faster than doing the paperwork.  He didn’t listen though.

Friday, I got no child support.  I kept calling and finally got someone that told me, “Until the hearing on March 13th, all child support has been frozen.”
“I still have another child he’s supposed to be paying on!  What am I supposed to do?  Shouldn’t you have notified me?”
“You should get a paper in he mail stating the hearing date.”
“I did.  It didn’t say anything about child support being frozen.”

So there you go.  I get to go two months withou child support….if I’d known that, I would have put off buying the laptop.  If it weren’t for my income tax return, I’d be sunk already. =(

So back at the end of January I got a text message from Rebecca, “Hey Mom?  I have a weird out of the blue question.  Do you think I’ll be able to have kids because I’m scared when I grow up, I won’t be able o receive and what causes miscarriages?”

I was on the phone with TBF who was on his way home from work.  I read it to him he was going nuts, “You’ve got to hang up and text her back!  Do you want to wait until I get there to help?”

Instead, I called her.  “Rebecca, I know what you and you boyfriend are doing and you’ve got to go to the doctor, get tested for STDs, and get on birth control!”  (I resisted saying, “Don’t worry kiddo.  You’ll be able to receive when you grow up even if you can’t concieve.  =P)  She flipped at that point.

“Who told you?  Ethan?”
“No.”
“Dad?”
“No.”
“Vanessa?!?!?!”
“No.”
“I just did, didn’t I?  That’s not fair mom!!!  That’s like being tricked.  I know I don’t have an STD because it was both of our first times.”

What followed was a 30 minute conversation with me insisting she needed to go to the doctor and her insisting she didn’t because she knew she didn’t have a STD and despite the fact that she’d not started her period yet, she’d taken a pregnancy test and it was negative.  I finally gave up and called her father.  “You’ve got to take her to the doctor!  She said you don’t have the money.  If that’s the case, I’ll pay for it.”  He said that wasn’t the problem.  He didn’t have the time to take off work.  I told him I’d take both the girls and pay for it if he’d just make an appointment or give me the stuff to make the appointment.  He said it wasn’t necessary and went on to explain how he had already put the fear of God into Rebecca because “I told her if she gets pregnant, she’ll be grounded for nine months!!!”

…

I said, “Oh boy.  That’s a big punishment.  I mean, so many people want to go places with a pregnant girl anyway….  You realize that’s 18 years of raising a child for both of us and her?!?!  I don’t think that nine months will matter….and if you think threatning beating her will work, you’re nuts.  It didn’t work for you!  She’s not just going to stop.  We have to get her on birth control!”

By that time, TBF was home and listening to the whole conversation.  When I got off the phone, I turned to look at him and he said, “He’s an idiot!”

I just laughed.  At that point, what else could I do?  “So what do you want to be called?  Pappa?  Grandpa?  Pops?  You get to be a grandpa before you’re even a dad!   You know, now I understand why other cultures kill their girl babies.  Boys are sooo much easier.”

I am happy to say that since that time, we’ve learned she’s not pregnant; however, I still cannot get the ex to take the girls to the ob/gyn.  I think I may try to nab them one day on spring break and take them.

I had a great Valentine’s Day.  Not only did I get Animal Crossing City Folk for the Wii from TBF, I also bought myself the new laptop I’m currently typing this on. =)  I broke down and bought a new computer after going six months without one - and decided to venture into the world of laptops.  I bought this one.  After searching for a bit, I figured it was a good deal for the price…and so far, I’m loving it!  When I went to Best Buy to pick it up, they spent more than thirty minutes looking for it.  I figured it was lost and that must be a bad sign…loosing my computer before I even have it.  Instead, they’d misplaced it.  The geek squad had optimized it and removed all the bloatware. The sticker on the computer said it was a $39.99 service I got for free. =)

I have a ton of posts to make to catch up on what’s happened in the last few weeks, but tonight, I’m going to finish some downloading and try to catch up on some emails.  I haven’t installed WoW yet, but I did DL Trillian so I now have chat again!!

I’m so excited to be back…and typing at you from the comfort of my warm bed. =)