It’s almost 5AM and guess who’s up!!  Santa just visited our house and I can’t sleep waiting for the kiddos to wake up and open open open their gifts.

Over the weekend, I texted the girls once again trying to find out when they were coming down.  They said Christmas eve.  I told them we were doing Christmas with Robert’s family on Christmas eve so it wouldn’t be until late since I got off work at 6 and had to be there at 7.  Vanessa texted me back saying they would come down Wednesday night then.  I told them that I wasn’t sure if they would have gifts at Robert’s parents or not.  She said, “Don’t they know you have three kids???”

“No!  I told them I was 21 and Ethan’s my little brother.  Of course they know I have three kids; however, they’ve never met Becca and they’ve only seen you a few times.  I’ll tell them you’re coming, but I’m not going to ask them to buy everyone presents.”

She texted me back saying that she didn’t care if she had presents or not, she just wanted to be invited.  She said that the ex’s parents aren’t buying Christmas for her this year.  At first I thought they were using the excuse that she’s 18; however, the truth is that they aren’t buying for Ethan either.  They are only buying for Rebecca because “They’re not part of their family.”  Hmm…could have fooled me.  DNA says otherwise.

Last night (or I guess night before last now), I learned that not only am I a B-word, but I also beat my children, threw hangers at them, pulled them by their hair all the time, and hit the ex the whole time we were married.  Apparently I was not only the cause of our divorce, but also the reason Vanessa is such a bad child.  Who knew? While I am upset that they would talk bad about me, it does comfort me to know that they had to make up lies to do it.  It also makes me more determined to smile and say hello to them every time I happen to run into them around town.  No wonder they went from asking how the kids were and things were going to avoiding looking at me…lol

As for Christmas with the friend-laws though, when I texted Robert to tell him what was going on, he texted me back saying, “We’re picking them up Wednesday and I’ll buy an extra gift for them to open at my parents.”  When he talked to his mom though, she told him to pick it up and she’d pay for it because there was no way they were coming over without having a present to open up!

Yesterday, it was snowing in Texas.  I know.  I was shocked too!  White frozen stuff falling to the ground and the wind blowing hard enough that it looked like something from the movies…if only there’d been more of it…lol  I’d left my car at home and ridden to work with Robert so that the kids could use it to meet us after work.  Instead though, Robert didn’t want them driving in the weather.  He left work early to get them and meet me after work.

The friend-laws had a huge dinner.  Turkey, brisket, all the sides, two different kinds of gravy, rolls, etc.  Rebecca was nervous about meeting them, but it didn’t take long for her to warm up (although she didn’t say much at all).  Vanessa said enough for both of them.  The kids ate in the living room playing video games while the rest of us were in the dining room.  When Robert’s mom called to the kids saying we had dessert and what kinds (home made chocolate cake, home made pineapple cake, and flaun that someone at work had given her), Roberts sister said, “Cue Ethan in 3….2…1….” and in walks Ethan…lol

The girls ended up with presents from both of Robert’s sisters as well as his parents.  It was just little stuff they picked up last minute when they found out the girls were coming, but it thrilled them to death.  They kept saying, “Thank you!  You didn’t have to get us anything.”, but I know they did.  Not because they felt obligated, but because they’re good people and wouldn’t leave them out.  They’re part of the family.

A while back, a friend of Rebecca’s was helping her tune her guitar.  They got it too tight and that night, the bridge came off.  The ex threw it away so having it fixed wasn’t an option.  Rebecca was in tears.  The friend that helped her tune it brought her one of his.  I saw a Gibson on sale black friday for $80 and my sister’s picked it up for me.  Good thing because the father of the kid made him take the guitar back.  I didn’t know that until last night though.  Now I’m so excited because I know I’ve gotten her something she wants this year.  I didn’t let on to her though.  She was even in my room last night talking to Robert as I was wrapping all the gifts.  The girls have clothes and I’d already boxed them.  I just needed to wrap them.  She saw me wrapping all the boxes and knew it was probably all clothes.  She said she was going to save the money her dad gives her to buy a new guitar.  That’s when I asked why and found out the kid had taken his back.  I said, “I wish I’d have known that before now!”  =D  It was all Robert could to do hide the grin on his face.

Robert did Ethan’s stocking this year after my complaining that I didn’t know what to get.  He started naming off all kinds of things that were $5-$10 a piece.  I’m like, “That’s good, but by the time you finish, you’ve got a $100 stocking!”  He said, “Don’t worry about it.  I’ll handle it.” …and he didn’t.  As a matter of fact, I had to end up wrapping the walkie talkies and sling shot because they wouldn’t fit in the stocking…which was a good thing because the girls have like 6 or 7 boxes a piece and Ethan had 3 games and a watch I bought to make it look a little more even…lol  Now they’re pretty even.

Robert is as excited as I am about Christmas now.  He started out saying he wasn’t, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to see Ethan open his stocking…lol  He wants to see Rebecca open her guitar and Vanessa find out I actually bought the dress I told her I wasn’t going to buy because it was a foo foo part dress that she’d never wear.  He’s learning quick how those small things make you happy.   We agreed not to buy for each other because we were spending so much on the families; however, I have it on good authority that Santa filled his stocking and he will be surprised to see there’s a movie “The Hangover” in there that I knew he was wanting and no one else was buying for him.

I’ve managed to waste 30 minutes.  If I don’t get to sleep, I’m so waking the kids up in another hour.  I can’t take the torture much longer!!!!  I’m ready to open presents already!!

Not only did I get a refund check on my electricity bill for the year 2006, work also picked up the tab for my lunch, and the dress Vanessa’s been wanting was put on clearance for $12.  I’m afraid I’ve used up all my luck for the year now though…lol

Everyone always asks about TBF and how we’re doing.  I thought maybe it was time to expand on this a little beyond my normal “We’re good.”  We are good.  He’s the best thing ever.  However, not long ago we had a HUGE fight.  From the get go, he told me he was going away to pharmacy school and I understood this meant without me.  People always tell me that it will work out between us even when he goes away because of how good our relationship is.  It’s very difficult to go from having such bad relationships to one that is very functional and happy without wanting it to continue forever…and that goes for the people around me that know how we are together too.  They don’t want to see it end either.  I almost messed up and ended it earlier than need be.  Here’s how.

A few weeks ago, Robert walked into the living room after having talked to Ethan in his bedroom and said, “I wish you were 10 years younger or I was 10 years older.”  I asked why and he said, “I really wish Ethan was mine.”

I said, “What makes you think he’s not.”

He said, “What do you mean?”

“Ethan’s dad was out of the picture when he was 4.  I’ve raised him by myself.  He’s never had any male role model.  Before you came along, he was around all girls and was stuck doing girl things.  Now, he talks to you more than he does me.  He asks you for help with homework.  He asks you questions about everything.   He’s yours because you’re the closest thing to a father he’s ever had.”

“Ya, but he doesn’t see me as a father.  Just as a friend to play games and stuff with.”

“Nope.  He wouldn’t ask a friend for help with his homework.  Like it or not, you’ve filled the father figure role.”

That statement hit him like a ton of bricks.  Before that, I don’t think he realized just how close he and Ethan had become.  Later that night while laying in bed, he said, “After I go to pharmacy school, I plan to still play games and stuff with Ethan.  I hope that’s okay.  I’d like to play with you too, but I don’t think you will want to.”

This sparked another round of, “What happens when you go away to school” which had me in tears again and him apologizing for not believing he could keep a relationship going while studying full time and for him being afraid that since I’ve been his first relationship, maybe he’s missing something and later it might come back to haunt him.  Before anyone starts thinking bad of him, I do need to say that I’ve been through some pretty bad things and with that comes baggage.  There are hang ups I have that I don’t think I’ll ever work past.

At some point, I just lost it.  I told him how evil he is for planning to leave me.  I told him in the beginning that he was too young.  I’m not the one that pursued the relationship.  I didn’t want to have my heart broken.  I told him what a jerk he is for doing this to me.  I told him that I understand that he deserves a relationship that’s makes him feel the same way I feel, but what about me?  Why do I always have to suffer?  Why don’t I deserve to be happy too?  I told him that I wanted him out because I didn’t want to prolong things and live a lie.  Then I stormed out of the room crying so hard I could barely breathe.

I sat in the living room and calmed down a bit.  Eventually coming back to my senses and realizing that while it might just be for another year, that’s a year more of happiness than I’d had before.   At that point, I heard him gathing his clothes out of the closet and went in to stop him.

He was in tears and explained that he didn’t want to hurt me or make me hate him.  He wants children.  He wants a wife that doesn’t freak out at the thought of pleasuring her man.  Basically, he wants to feel the way he makes me feel and I understand that.  I just wish I could make him feel that way.  I still don’t understand completely.  Why would he be here putting up with me if he didn’t love me…and at the same time I know that if he feels that something is missing, it is.  Even if it’s just that he hasn’t experienced enough to know what he has (which again is me wishing…).

I laughingly told him that while I hope he finds someone wonderful that appreciates him the way I do and makes him feel the way I feel with him, I also hope he finds all the selfish daddy’s girls that expect him to treat them like princesses while treating him like dirt under their feet.  I want him to find all he wants, but I also want him to realize nothing is better than what he gave up.  I want him to be happy, but I want him to feel the heartache I do at the thought of him walking out on me.

I don’t want to see him go, but I know it will happen.  I’m doing my best to take it one day at a time and not start hoping for more when people say, “Oh it’ll work out.  You’re too good together not to.”  I also do my best not to be mad at him just because he feels like he can walk away.  For days after our fight, he would still tear up just thinking about it.  He had to admit that the thought of leaving was much harder than he initially thought it would be.  My evil plan is to make it as hard as possible and to be sure and pile on as much regret as possible for him to take with him when he goes.

How is it he picked the one person on the planet that will watch him go simply because I think it’s the right thing to do.  I want more for him than what I give him….but at the same time I wonder what’s wrong with me that I don’t seem to think that I could be the best for someone.

As a side note, he’s been stretching out his classes to take longer and longer….as well as tinkering with the idea of becoming a teacher instead.  His family asks him constantly how he’s going to be able to leave us and what he’s going to do then.  Part of me still believes that he’s simply following this plan because it’s the way he envisioned things in the beginning and it’s not going to work out as he’d planned.  Then part of me knows that I’m a difficult person and he deserves to try to find someone more suitable.

blah….it’s a constant tug of war with myself but the one thing I do know is that I don’t want it to end any sooner than it has to because he has been the best thing to ever happen to me.  I know Ethan feels the same way too.  I just wish he felt the same way about me.

We moved into the 1990s.  We got a phone line installed with DSL.  Thats right folks, I now have 3Mbs internet guaranteed!  w00!  I know it’s nothing compared to the 12 that most people get these days, but it’s by far an improvement to my broadband which was an improvemet to my dial up…and maybe in 3 more years, I can get what you all have now…lol  With no lag plaing halo, my guys are happy which means I’m happy. =)