Everyone always asks about TBF and how we’re doing.  I thought maybe it was time to expand on this a little beyond my normal “We’re good.”  We are good.  He’s the best thing ever.  However, not long ago we had a HUGE fight.  From the get go, he told me he was going away to pharmacy school and I understood this meant without me.  People always tell me that it will work out between us even when he goes away because of how good our relationship is.  It’s very difficult to go from having such bad relationships to one that is very functional and happy without wanting it to continue forever…and that goes for the people around me that know how we are together too.  They don’t want to see it end either.  I almost messed up and ended it earlier than need be.  Here’s how.

A few weeks ago, Robert walked into the living room after having talked to Ethan in his bedroom and said, “I wish you were 10 years younger or I was 10 years older.”  I asked why and he said, “I really wish Ethan was mine.”

I said, “What makes you think he’s not.”

He said, “What do you mean?”

“Ethan’s dad was out of the picture when he was 4.  I’ve raised him by myself.  He’s never had any male role model.  Before you came along, he was around all girls and was stuck doing girl things.  Now, he talks to you more than he does me.  He asks you for help with homework.  He asks you questions about everything.   He’s yours because you’re the closest thing to a father he’s ever had.”

“Ya, but he doesn’t see me as a father.  Just as a friend to play games and stuff with.”

“Nope.  He wouldn’t ask a friend for help with his homework.  Like it or not, you’ve filled the father figure role.”

That statement hit him like a ton of bricks.  Before that, I don’t think he realized just how close he and Ethan had become.  Later that night while laying in bed, he said, “After I go to pharmacy school, I plan to still play games and stuff with Ethan.  I hope that’s okay.  I’d like to play with you too, but I don’t think you will want to.”

This sparked another round of, “What happens when you go away to school” which had me in tears again and him apologizing for not believing he could keep a relationship going while studying full time and for him being afraid that since I’ve been his first relationship, maybe he’s missing something and later it might come back to haunt him.  Before anyone starts thinking bad of him, I do need to say that I’ve been through some pretty bad things and with that comes baggage.  There are hang ups I have that I don’t think I’ll ever work past.

At some point, I just lost it.  I told him how evil he is for planning to leave me.  I told him in the beginning that he was too young.  I’m not the one that pursued the relationship.  I didn’t want to have my heart broken.  I told him what a jerk he is for doing this to me.  I told him that I understand that he deserves a relationship that’s makes him feel the same way I feel, but what about me?  Why do I always have to suffer?  Why don’t I deserve to be happy too?  I told him that I wanted him out because I didn’t want to prolong things and live a lie.  Then I stormed out of the room crying so hard I could barely breathe.

I sat in the living room and calmed down a bit.  Eventually coming back to my senses and realizing that while it might just be for another year, that’s a year more of happiness than I’d had before.   At that point, I heard him gathing his clothes out of the closet and went in to stop him.

He was in tears and explained that he didn’t want to hurt me or make me hate him.  He wants children.  He wants a wife that doesn’t freak out at the thought of pleasuring her man.  Basically, he wants to feel the way he makes me feel and I understand that.  I just wish I could make him feel that way.  I still don’t understand completely.  Why would he be here putting up with me if he didn’t love me…and at the same time I know that if he feels that something is missing, it is.  Even if it’s just that he hasn’t experienced enough to know what he has (which again is me wishing…).

I laughingly told him that while I hope he finds someone wonderful that appreciates him the way I do and makes him feel the way I feel with him, I also hope he finds all the selfish daddy’s girls that expect him to treat them like princesses while treating him like dirt under their feet.  I want him to find all he wants, but I also want him to realize nothing is better than what he gave up.  I want him to be happy, but I want him to feel the heartache I do at the thought of him walking out on me.

I don’t want to see him go, but I know it will happen.  I’m doing my best to take it one day at a time and not start hoping for more when people say, “Oh it’ll work out.  You’re too good together not to.”  I also do my best not to be mad at him just because he feels like he can walk away.  For days after our fight, he would still tear up just thinking about it.  He had to admit that the thought of leaving was much harder than he initially thought it would be.  My evil plan is to make it as hard as possible and to be sure and pile on as much regret as possible for him to take with him when he goes.

How is it he picked the one person on the planet that will watch him go simply because I think it’s the right thing to do.  I want more for him than what I give him….but at the same time I wonder what’s wrong with me that I don’t seem to think that I could be the best for someone.

As a side note, he’s been stretching out his classes to take longer and longer….as well as tinkering with the idea of becoming a teacher instead.  His family asks him constantly how he’s going to be able to leave us and what he’s going to do then.  Part of me still believes that he’s simply following this plan because it’s the way he envisioned things in the beginning and it’s not going to work out as he’d planned.  Then part of me knows that I’m a difficult person and he deserves to try to find someone more suitable.

blah….it’s a constant tug of war with myself but the one thing I do know is that I don’t want it to end any sooner than it has to because he has been the best thing to ever happen to me.  I know Ethan feels the same way too.  I just wish he felt the same way about me.